tidal wave of sin

Drunken nights. Blazed Up. Dizzy. Unaware. - this was my spring brake.

Everything came crashing down the day i had to come back to earth and walk the crowded hallways of School.

Get Suspended and go back to my blissful life? and ruin my summer ? yeah right!

Cuts Dont Heal

Cuts Dont heal when they are on the heart

my open wounds are aching for closure

duct tape . band aids - nothing helps this.

The pain stays forever.

the only difference is being numb.

but in some cases, being numb is the worst feeling of all.

Trapt inside a body you feel imprisons you to life

when you would rather just die

when two people promise eachother something and one of them brakes that promise,

should the other forget it too. or maintain there respect by keeping it?

Should i keep it?

Skin Burns like acid rain pouring down on innocence.

people say one thing. mean another.

trust me. trust nobody.

drowning. cant get air. but manage to stay alive.

in the state of limbo.

mind numbing?

collecting thoughts that you loose within seconds.

sensation of feeling the rush through my veins.

Stop? never! keep going?no! stay? YES !

dont move. dont breath . maybe when you open your eyes everything will be normal

back to the way it was when you where a child and the hardest desition of the day was

vinnilla or chocolate?

. lips. hands. it all means nothing unless you change them and put them yo good use.

touch, feel , explore, it doesnt matter either.

you need passion.

lust. energy to spark

but nothing ....nothin ever happens.

you can wait your whole life and if u think you found it... well keep looking because you are wrong.

my inspiration- hurt and shattered memories,

love lost, never found.

feelings flickered. never alive.

two people say they are in love. i find this hard to beleive when love is'nt something imaginable.

alone ??

I FEEL AS IF IM ALONE IN THIS WORLD OF BLOGGING! AND IM SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS LIKE SOME CHICK FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE IN ONE OF THOSE OLD HORROR FILMS SAYING "IS ANYBODY OUT THERE??"

I Still Smile

I Still Smile, every once and a while

I smiled today, when i heard the lyrics to an ICP song - dating game

(( " First thing, i could never love you, you sound like a witchy bitch, YO fuck you!"))

Best song lyrics ever

I miss him , i used to be so happy when i was in his arms.

Monster always kept me company and said the sweetest things at all the right moment, and when he want there to kiss and hold me tight, he was talking to me to make sure i was alright,

i really do love him, or i think i do ...i hope i do.

He was basicly everything i had before he left

((the monster gets in fight with his dad

his dad calls the cops

monster goes to jail.

Monsters mom gets him out

thats normally how it goes))

but this time its different--she didnt get him out.

i wish she would already

If she did it would be the test to seee if the dead really can come back to life

it seems everyday im getting a little better but im never really fully recovered!

I wish there was a way i could end it all

LOVE?hate?deception? minipulation ?

--the unknown world of the undead!

Dead and gone.

MARCH 28 2010!

Dear Diary,

I want to be the girl he goes crazy for, the girl he world do anything to get. the girl he falls in love with holds tight and keeps close.

I dont feel anything -except the pain,,i have problems, i overthink everything

im not a weird girl , if you look at me, on the outside you would have no idea what is going on , on the inside

LOST,

find me?

(03-28-10) goodmorning diary,
i laid down in my bed last night...closed my eyes, and let the rain of darkness wash over me as i fell into a deep sleep. For the first time in a long time, i slept ...and slept and slept so much i couldnt sleep anymore.
Then i woke up.

Have you ever had that feeling of fireworks when you kiss someone?

me neither.

But i saw it in a movie, i want that feeling ,, i want to have feelings.

FUCK MY LIFE!

I want the sweet rush of the monster to fill me, to take over and controll me, to hold me in place, Like Gravity

He said he loved me,,, befor he left, i said it back, my feelings are numb now, i have no idea if i was saying just because it sounded like the right thing to say or because i reall feel that way

i guess one day ill find out, like they say- you never know what you've got till its gone,

I think i love him, or i think i did befor he left me heartbroken and dull

Pillow and Blanket are the only people i can talk to , they both love me, more than a friend kind of love, but i dont want a relationship right now, me heart is broken beyond repair

guy, after guy, after guy they have all come and gone and left me scarred and broken.

somehow i have always found a way to trust again but im not sure how that was possible now

'the one guy i thought i could truly trust enough to give my heart, (my scared and torn abused heart)

took it with him when he left.

I dont think its possible for the living to live without a heart, but im proving myself wrong-

once again LIVING DEAD.

my pillow and blanket are the only comfort and pain releivers i have

when im with them, this pain goes away slightly.

untill they arent there, then the pain fills me body once again

im going to take a shower and try to make myself look alive.

dead.love,

The Broken

Dear Diary,,(03-28-10)
today isnt as bad as yesturday, but worse than it will be tomorrow.
nobody know, i dont tell anybody.
If anybody reads this, just know that befor 01-01-10 i was completly fine, nothing insain about me, now i feel --numb, no feeling left inside at all, it feels like im the living-dead.
Breathing, walking , talkin , D.E.A.D
is it possible to bring the dead back to life?
If it wasnt for love, life would go on alot easier.
Im sitting on a couch, its exactly 12:52 pm
cant sleep, havent slept...cant eat, havent eaten...
living impaired
looking around the room, nothing.
This blog is my last resort, i have nobody to talk to
Im in love, with a guy i cant talk to, havent talked to in a few days now,
took a little time for me to fall in love, it will take forever to get out of it.
ive tried it doesnt work.
i miss him, if he is in jail where am i?
im now on the ground, stomach in a knot, heart aching, one thing advil does not help..
im going to take a few swallows of some cold medicine and try to sleep, ill be back.

-goodnight, sleep well

love,yours forever

TheDamned.

when it all comes crashing down around me, would you be there should i stumble and fall, pick up the peices??

cast

major part of my life and will come up in this blog several times --
none of these names are real, im not exposing anybody because i do not have a reason to.
Me..
Mom+Step-dad
Brother
Boyfriend: Monster.
Like brothers to me : Pillow + blanket.
Family will all be called : Windex.
Others : Glass.
this is everybody so far ( 03-28-10)
if anything changes ill put an up to date list
(( is anybody out there reading this??))
__if you are there reading this, my only advice is dont, it will save you time from my life story that u probably wont care about anyway__if you chose to stay...well comment so i know at least one person is alive in the world of Bloggers.__

explaining myself.

by writing this blog, i am expecting nothing more than a place to release all of my bottled up feelings--somewhere to write it all down and get it out.

im doing this for myself, im not trying to get veiws on this or people to think im crazy, im doing this so one day i dont explode from all of this AnGER raging, Boiling inside.

I will remail Unamed.